Late night ramblings.

Had not realized it had been so long since my last post. But so much has happened. New friends, new home, add in some heartbreak and you have a new life.

I recently relocated from the city that I had called home for the last 26 of my 45 years. In the last 9 months I have been playing in the dating pool, now let me tell you it's been everything from happiness to heartbreak. I have made amazing friends, each one unique and three of which have been a blessing that I cannot describe without saying I am the luckiest man alive because of them. 

My life is where it should be, even with the heartbreak of having met someone that I was sure was going to workout differently. But, as he put it, "it felt like we were always on a first date" and just like that (well it was more complicated than that but...) we are just friends. But life moves on. New friends, new home, new life, fresh start. 

I'm just rambling, it's 2:00am, I needed to get some thoughts out. 

Regrets? Absolutely NOT!

I've mentioned before,  I am a father, son, brother, cousin, nephew, friend, buddy pal, and chum. All titles I am proud to hold.  At one point I also held the title of husband (AKA Honey, sweetie, babe, and occasionally Jerk, but what husband hasn't?), and I am also gay, but you already knew that and if you didn't you have not read my blog from the beginning. It is only, as of this one, 9 entries, go back and read ;-)

I have been asked before if I have any regrets?  And my answer was, is and will always be a strong NO.   A little background.  I knew when I was 5 that I was different from the other boys.  I chased the boy, not the girls, In middle school, during PE,  I found myself looking and wondering at the other boys.  High school was no different. I did have attractions to girls, I dated girls in high school. I met the girl that would become my best friend, and ex-wife, Summer of 1988.  I felt a strong attraction to her, even though I knew I also had an attraction to guys.  I experimented before and liked it, not going to lie.  But my feelings for Michelle were strong, very strong, on top of that, I was Mom's only child, add my deep Catholic upbringing on top of that and I knew what I had to do, Marry the woman I loved.

I did not have a bad marriage.  It was a perfect marriage in fact.  We loved, we fought, we made up, we loved even more. And without that perfect marriage,  I would not have had the four amazing sons I have, I could not have picked a more perfect woman to be the mother of those boys and raise them with me to be the gentlemen they are today.  I loved Michelle with every fiber of my being.  There was always something missing.    I am not going to sit here and tell you I was the perfect husband,  I have had my indiscretions, I have made my mistakes.  but ultimately, after 20 years, the last 10 of which had us in and out of counseling, we made the decision to end out marriage while we were still friends and never let us turn into war.  We made a conscious decision to make sure our kids will always come first and so far so good.

Fast forward 3 months and I am forced to come out when I was not ready,  but at the same time, it was the greatest relief I have ever felt,  suddenly in that moment, the pent up anger, frustration, fear, and sadness that had consumed me that last few years was gone.  Michelle and I had a good talk and now the time came to tell my boys that I was gay,  it took a few weeks and some heated discussions, but when I told the boys, everything I instilled in them as a parent came through and I was not only relived, but proud of my boys.

Michelle is still my best friend,  my boys are my biggest supporters, protectors and advocates.   So do I regret the choices I made in life?  Absolutely NOT.  Those choices made me the man I am today, those choices made my boys the four greatest gentlemen any parent could wish for, and they will make amazing husband and fathers in return.

They grow up so fast

One of my greatest joys in life is being a father...uh, no, being a DAD.  There is an old saying that goes "Any man can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a Dad."   For the last 23 years I have been a Dad.  In those 23 years I have done the following things:

• held crying babies
• changed diapers
• made bottles for 2 am feedings
• cleaned vomit
• seen first steps
• kissed boo boos
• Hugged them
• Kissed them
• tucked them in
• made the Boogeyman go away
• dealt with a broken arm, broken toes,  broken fingers, several sets of stitches, and a couple of ER visits
• taught them to ride a bike
• I have laughed with them
• been the exterminator (my second son has a fear of spiders)
• been a chaperon on several class field trips
• been to every parent-teacher conference
• had "the talk" with them  
• protected them
• taught them about the importance of Please and Thank You
• taught them respect
• taught them to open doors
• taught them about ladies first, basically I taught them to be Gentlemen

It's not all good though...

• I have cried, with them and because of them
• I have scolded
• I have yelled
• I have punished
• I have been called a meanie, a tyrant, and an even an asshole (that one left me speechless)

through it all,  I am now and will always be proud to hold the title of "Dad"

They grow up fast, it seems like only yesterday, my oldest came home, and my life changed completely,  I was now responsible for this little tiny life.  I had 9 months to prepare for it and it felt like it was not enough.  Everything was so new to me, I wondered if I was doing it right, I worried that I was not going to be a good father.  By the time the fourth boy came along, I was a pro.

I did not have the example of a good father growing up, my mom never married my dad (long story), but my dad was always a part of my life.  He wasn't a bad father by any means,  just not around a lot, he did the best he could raising his other 10 kids (again ... long story).  I set out to be the father I wanted and needed in my life,  and when I look back on the last 23 and a half years, I succeeded.  Ask anyone that knows me, just look at my boys, they are good young men,  hard working, courteous, loving, smart, caring young GENTLEMEN.

They fight like brothers are supposed to, I have never met anyone who has never fought with their siblings,  its a God given right.  They argue with each other and tease each other, but you mess with one, you mess with all four. They have each others backs, and would take a bullet for each other. I could not be more proud of who they have become and I can honestly say, I had a part in that. 

Late Night Thoughts

Its a short one today...

One of the greatest joy in my life is the laughter of my sons.  They are 17, 19, 21 and 23 and every time they are all together and laughing will forever warm my heart.

I'd write more,  but 3 of my kids are here and they are laughing, I need to go join in on all the fun.

-Gabe

Coming out...

June 9th, 2011,  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I'd been separated 3 months.  I've been a closeted, gay, married man my entire adult life.  I moved away from home at 18, and one month later, my HS girlfriend moved in with me , we were married 20 months later, started our family 11 months after that.  It was a good marriage overall, but inside there was always that ONE thing that I desired,  that I NEEDED.  The sneaking, the lies,  I hated it.  I would abstain for months to years from those desires.  But I always found myself right back there. 

Fast forward to my separation,  I am free,  I can see who I want, when I wanted, but I did not want her to find out, or my kids, or anyone for that matter.  One small little mistake, and I remember the text message.  "We need to talk when you get home".  (We still lived in the same house, just in separate bedrooms).  I knew what the conversation was going to be,  she found out,  didn't know how,  but she knew and I was scared out of my mind.  

She flat out asked and I told her the truth.  She accused me of not loving her and that our marriage was a sham,  how dare I keep her from finding true love,  how dare I waste 20 years of her life, how could I be so selfish.  Words that will forever hurt,  I can still feel the pain as I type this.  As hard as I tried to tell her that I DID love her (still do to this day),  the marriage was not a sham.  Did I waste 20 years of her life? No!  I loved her with every fiber of my being.  Every decision I made in my life with her was based on her.  Yes even THOSE moments.  I knew what the potential consequences were, I knew what I was doing,  and for THAT yes, I was selfish,  I had this need that she could not fulfill, and it took a long time for her to believe me that I loved her, that the marriage was not a sham or a cover up.  

She is now one of my best friends,  yes we have our moments,  she drives me crazy, as I am sure I drive her just as crazy.  

Coming out to my sons was scary, I sat all four of them down, and simply said "Your dad is gay."  I am proud to say, I have the most amazing sons.   When I asked them how they felt about that, I got the best answer any dad can ask for.  "Does this change who you are as our dad?"
"No, of course not, only difference is that you will NEVER have a step-mother"
We all had a good laugh and carried on with the rest of our evening.  

My mother's reaction is a mixed bag of emotions.  
Me: Mom, so I just want to tell you,  your only son is gay
Mom: Is that all,  I knew a long time ago,  I'm your mother
Me: oh, and you didn't tell me?
Mom: I figured you should find out for yourself.  I'm not happy about it,  but you're my son and I love you.  Just don't tell anyone else in the family. 

Hmmm,  OK,  so I can live my life as I please, but I have to hide it from my family.  NOPE, not gonna happen,  I compromised with her on this one.  I am not going to hide my life,  but I will not arrive at the family reunion with a rainbow flag screaming "I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it" BUT if anyone asks,  I am NOT going to lie.  I did come out to one cousin (on my dad's side) and he took it really well,  but then again,  his older brother is gay.  

No, my coming out was not dramatic event,  but it was a long one and still scary none the less.  

Now life moves forward,  I have an amazing man in my life, my kids think he is great, my ex-wife likes him, my friends that have met him like him. My kids are my greatest allies, and my life is, so far, amazing. 

Where did time go?

So today, begins Birthday Season.  My oldest turns 23. Twenty Three,  veintitrés, as in 1992 was 23 years ago.  Wait... what? didn't I just bring him home from the hospital?  I occasionally like to read other Dad blogs, and today I read a post on one blog where he said he looked at his kid and thought "Holy crap! I'm his Dad" "I'm this kid's Dad!"  I have been a parent now for 23 years and I still look at my 4 boys and think.  Sonofabitch!  I am a Dad!  What was God thinking letting me do this?  

I have had my moments where I feel like a failure, other times when I feel like I am THE World's Best Father and all you other fathers can kiss my ass, and there are the times in between when I am just Dad and do the best i can with what I have.  My kids love me regardless (although my 18 year old's intentions are questionable sometimes, but that is a whole 'nother post).

Teenagers! Grrrrr

     There is a quote out there that says "Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young".  As the parent to 4 boys, 2 of which are teenagers.  I know this feeling well, except I am a Dad.  None of my kids have ever tested me the way my 18 year old has been testing me.  Actually I should say "us", us being me and my ex-wife.  In his defense, he is the emotional one, and he took the divorce the hardest.  BUT, it's been 4 years...as a matter of fact,  4 years ago yesterday that we announced to our kids we were divorcing.   The last three days it has been a lot of yelling on my part, a lot of frustration on my ex-wife, who calls or texts me.  It is hard to parent from 90 miles away on the phone and via text and e-mail.  But I somehow manage to get results,  they know that when I say "If you don't do ABC, I will do XYZ", I WILL X, Y and Z.  I love my boys, more than anyone can imagine.  A good parent knows the love that only a parent can give their kids.  Even when they push our buttons, and we scream and yell, yet, through all that,  we love them.  They don't see it, and one day they will understand what it is like to be a parent.  As I have told them many times before "I am first and foremost a Dad, nothing you do or say will change that nor will it change how much I love you.  My job is to protect you and teach you to survive in the real world.  Secondly, I am your best friend,  you can tell me anything,  you can ask me anything"   3 out of 4 of my kids get it,  but my 18 year old, wants to challenge me.  One day he will get it, and until then... I am Dad...hear me roar. 

       So this morning, after an 8:00am scolding (My yelling this morning produced enough energy to boil a cauldron), I decided to go on a walk.  So off to the Dry Creek Trail I went and took a nice 1 hour, 5K walk.  The cool air felt good and I got some much needed exercise.