They grow up so fast

One of my greatest joys in life is being a father...uh, no, being a DAD.  There is an old saying that goes "Any man can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a Dad."   For the last 23 years I have been a Dad.  In those 23 years I have done the following things:

• held crying babies
• changed diapers
• made bottles for 2 am feedings
• cleaned vomit
• seen first steps
• kissed boo boos
• Hugged them
• Kissed them
• tucked them in
• made the Boogeyman go away
• dealt with a broken arm, broken toes,  broken fingers, several sets of stitches, and a couple of ER visits
• taught them to ride a bike
• I have laughed with them
• been the exterminator (my second son has a fear of spiders)
• been a chaperon on several class field trips
• been to every parent-teacher conference
• had "the talk" with them  
• protected them
• taught them about the importance of Please and Thank You
• taught them respect
• taught them to open doors
• taught them about ladies first, basically I taught them to be Gentlemen

It's not all good though...

• I have cried, with them and because of them
• I have scolded
• I have yelled
• I have punished
• I have been called a meanie, a tyrant, and an even an asshole (that one left me speechless)

through it all,  I am now and will always be proud to hold the title of "Dad"

They grow up fast, it seems like only yesterday, my oldest came home, and my life changed completely,  I was now responsible for this little tiny life.  I had 9 months to prepare for it and it felt like it was not enough.  Everything was so new to me, I wondered if I was doing it right, I worried that I was not going to be a good father.  By the time the fourth boy came along, I was a pro.

I did not have the example of a good father growing up, my mom never married my dad (long story), but my dad was always a part of my life.  He wasn't a bad father by any means,  just not around a lot, he did the best he could raising his other 10 kids (again ... long story).  I set out to be the father I wanted and needed in my life,  and when I look back on the last 23 and a half years, I succeeded.  Ask anyone that knows me, just look at my boys, they are good young men,  hard working, courteous, loving, smart, caring young GENTLEMEN.

They fight like brothers are supposed to, I have never met anyone who has never fought with their siblings,  its a God given right.  They argue with each other and tease each other, but you mess with one, you mess with all four. They have each others backs, and would take a bullet for each other. I could not be more proud of who they have become and I can honestly say, I had a part in that. 

Late Night Thoughts

Its a short one today...

One of the greatest joy in my life is the laughter of my sons.  They are 17, 19, 21 and 23 and every time they are all together and laughing will forever warm my heart.

I'd write more,  but 3 of my kids are here and they are laughing, I need to go join in on all the fun.

-Gabe

Coming out...

June 9th, 2011,  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I'd been separated 3 months.  I've been a closeted, gay, married man my entire adult life.  I moved away from home at 18, and one month later, my HS girlfriend moved in with me , we were married 20 months later, started our family 11 months after that.  It was a good marriage overall, but inside there was always that ONE thing that I desired,  that I NEEDED.  The sneaking, the lies,  I hated it.  I would abstain for months to years from those desires.  But I always found myself right back there. 

Fast forward to my separation,  I am free,  I can see who I want, when I wanted, but I did not want her to find out, or my kids, or anyone for that matter.  One small little mistake, and I remember the text message.  "We need to talk when you get home".  (We still lived in the same house, just in separate bedrooms).  I knew what the conversation was going to be,  she found out,  didn't know how,  but she knew and I was scared out of my mind.  

She flat out asked and I told her the truth.  She accused me of not loving her and that our marriage was a sham,  how dare I keep her from finding true love,  how dare I waste 20 years of her life, how could I be so selfish.  Words that will forever hurt,  I can still feel the pain as I type this.  As hard as I tried to tell her that I DID love her (still do to this day),  the marriage was not a sham.  Did I waste 20 years of her life? No!  I loved her with every fiber of my being.  Every decision I made in my life with her was based on her.  Yes even THOSE moments.  I knew what the potential consequences were, I knew what I was doing,  and for THAT yes, I was selfish,  I had this need that she could not fulfill, and it took a long time for her to believe me that I loved her, that the marriage was not a sham or a cover up.  

She is now one of my best friends,  yes we have our moments,  she drives me crazy, as I am sure I drive her just as crazy.  

Coming out to my sons was scary, I sat all four of them down, and simply said "Your dad is gay."  I am proud to say, I have the most amazing sons.   When I asked them how they felt about that, I got the best answer any dad can ask for.  "Does this change who you are as our dad?"
"No, of course not, only difference is that you will NEVER have a step-mother"
We all had a good laugh and carried on with the rest of our evening.  

My mother's reaction is a mixed bag of emotions.  
Me: Mom, so I just want to tell you,  your only son is gay
Mom: Is that all,  I knew a long time ago,  I'm your mother
Me: oh, and you didn't tell me?
Mom: I figured you should find out for yourself.  I'm not happy about it,  but you're my son and I love you.  Just don't tell anyone else in the family. 

Hmmm,  OK,  so I can live my life as I please, but I have to hide it from my family.  NOPE, not gonna happen,  I compromised with her on this one.  I am not going to hide my life,  but I will not arrive at the family reunion with a rainbow flag screaming "I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it" BUT if anyone asks,  I am NOT going to lie.  I did come out to one cousin (on my dad's side) and he took it really well,  but then again,  his older brother is gay.  

No, my coming out was not dramatic event,  but it was a long one and still scary none the less.  

Now life moves forward,  I have an amazing man in my life, my kids think he is great, my ex-wife likes him, my friends that have met him like him. My kids are my greatest allies, and my life is, so far, amazing. 

Where did time go?

So today, begins Birthday Season.  My oldest turns 23. Twenty Three,  veintitrés, as in 1992 was 23 years ago.  Wait... what? didn't I just bring him home from the hospital?  I occasionally like to read other Dad blogs, and today I read a post on one blog where he said he looked at his kid and thought "Holy crap! I'm his Dad" "I'm this kid's Dad!"  I have been a parent now for 23 years and I still look at my 4 boys and think.  Sonofabitch!  I am a Dad!  What was God thinking letting me do this?  

I have had my moments where I feel like a failure, other times when I feel like I am THE World's Best Father and all you other fathers can kiss my ass, and there are the times in between when I am just Dad and do the best i can with what I have.  My kids love me regardless (although my 18 year old's intentions are questionable sometimes, but that is a whole 'nother post).

Teenagers! Grrrrr

     There is a quote out there that says "Mothers of teenagers know why animals eat their young".  As the parent to 4 boys, 2 of which are teenagers.  I know this feeling well, except I am a Dad.  None of my kids have ever tested me the way my 18 year old has been testing me.  Actually I should say "us", us being me and my ex-wife.  In his defense, he is the emotional one, and he took the divorce the hardest.  BUT, it's been 4 years...as a matter of fact,  4 years ago yesterday that we announced to our kids we were divorcing.   The last three days it has been a lot of yelling on my part, a lot of frustration on my ex-wife, who calls or texts me.  It is hard to parent from 90 miles away on the phone and via text and e-mail.  But I somehow manage to get results,  they know that when I say "If you don't do ABC, I will do XYZ", I WILL X, Y and Z.  I love my boys, more than anyone can imagine.  A good parent knows the love that only a parent can give their kids.  Even when they push our buttons, and we scream and yell, yet, through all that,  we love them.  They don't see it, and one day they will understand what it is like to be a parent.  As I have told them many times before "I am first and foremost a Dad, nothing you do or say will change that nor will it change how much I love you.  My job is to protect you and teach you to survive in the real world.  Secondly, I am your best friend,  you can tell me anything,  you can ask me anything"   3 out of 4 of my kids get it,  but my 18 year old, wants to challenge me.  One day he will get it, and until then... I am Dad...hear me roar. 

       So this morning, after an 8:00am scolding (My yelling this morning produced enough energy to boil a cauldron), I decided to go on a walk.  So off to the Dry Creek Trail I went and took a nice 1 hour, 5K walk.  The cool air felt good and I got some much needed exercise.  

Who? What? When

Welcome to my world.  My world of few words.  But first the basics about me...

Who:  My name is Gabe.  I have once described myself as Father, Son, Boyfriend, Friend, Buddy, Pal, Chum, overall nice guy. I am a simple man really.  
Father:  I am the proud father of 4 amazing young men;  Andrew (1992), Adrian (1994), Anthony (1996) and Austin (1998).  They drive me nuts,  they have taken me through every emotion possible, from laughter to sadness to raging anger, but they wouldn't be kids of they didn't, right?

Son:  I am my father's 9th child of 11.  I am my mother's only child (more on that in a future post).  I had a steady, although emotionally distant, relationship with my father.  It was this relationship that made me the man that I am,  the father I am and the husband I tried to be. 

Boyfriend: As of today, I am the proud boyfriend of an amazing man.  27 months and counting. 

Friend, Buddy, Pal and Chum:  This is self explanatory.  I have many friends.  It takes a lot for one of my friends to be removed from the friendship circle. I have only removed one friend from my life, a choice I later came to regret. One of my best friend is still my ex-wife, again that is a future post.  

What: What to expect to see here?  Me, my life, my likes, my dislikes, my fears, my hopes, my joys, my pains.  Some of it will be funny, some of it will be shocking, some of it may even be inappropriate and even offend some of you (rarely, but just letting you know now).  

When: Whenever the mood strikes me.  It may be daily,  it may be weekly.  

In a nut shell this is your introduction to me.  I hope you will come back to learn more about me,  see what makes me smile,  what makes me tick.