Late night ramblings.

Had not realized it had been so long since my last post. But so much has happened. New friends, new home, add in some heartbreak and you have a new life.

I recently relocated from the city that I had called home for the last 26 of my 45 years. In the last 9 months I have been playing in the dating pool, now let me tell you it's been everything from happiness to heartbreak. I have made amazing friends, each one unique and three of which have been a blessing that I cannot describe without saying I am the luckiest man alive because of them. 

My life is where it should be, even with the heartbreak of having met someone that I was sure was going to workout differently. But, as he put it, "it felt like we were always on a first date" and just like that (well it was more complicated than that but...) we are just friends. But life moves on. New friends, new home, new life, fresh start. 

I'm just rambling, it's 2:00am, I needed to get some thoughts out. 

Regrets? Absolutely NOT!

I've mentioned before,  I am a father, son, brother, cousin, nephew, friend, buddy pal, and chum. All titles I am proud to hold.  At one point I also held the title of husband (AKA Honey, sweetie, babe, and occasionally Jerk, but what husband hasn't?), and I am also gay, but you already knew that and if you didn't you have not read my blog from the beginning. It is only, as of this one, 9 entries, go back and read ;-)

I have been asked before if I have any regrets?  And my answer was, is and will always be a strong NO.   A little background.  I knew when I was 5 that I was different from the other boys.  I chased the boy, not the girls, In middle school, during PE,  I found myself looking and wondering at the other boys.  High school was no different. I did have attractions to girls, I dated girls in high school. I met the girl that would become my best friend, and ex-wife, Summer of 1988.  I felt a strong attraction to her, even though I knew I also had an attraction to guys.  I experimented before and liked it, not going to lie.  But my feelings for Michelle were strong, very strong, on top of that, I was Mom's only child, add my deep Catholic upbringing on top of that and I knew what I had to do, Marry the woman I loved.

I did not have a bad marriage.  It was a perfect marriage in fact.  We loved, we fought, we made up, we loved even more. And without that perfect marriage,  I would not have had the four amazing sons I have, I could not have picked a more perfect woman to be the mother of those boys and raise them with me to be the gentlemen they are today.  I loved Michelle with every fiber of my being.  There was always something missing.    I am not going to sit here and tell you I was the perfect husband,  I have had my indiscretions, I have made my mistakes.  but ultimately, after 20 years, the last 10 of which had us in and out of counseling, we made the decision to end out marriage while we were still friends and never let us turn into war.  We made a conscious decision to make sure our kids will always come first and so far so good.

Fast forward 3 months and I am forced to come out when I was not ready,  but at the same time, it was the greatest relief I have ever felt,  suddenly in that moment, the pent up anger, frustration, fear, and sadness that had consumed me that last few years was gone.  Michelle and I had a good talk and now the time came to tell my boys that I was gay,  it took a few weeks and some heated discussions, but when I told the boys, everything I instilled in them as a parent came through and I was not only relived, but proud of my boys.

Michelle is still my best friend,  my boys are my biggest supporters, protectors and advocates.   So do I regret the choices I made in life?  Absolutely NOT.  Those choices made me the man I am today, those choices made my boys the four greatest gentlemen any parent could wish for, and they will make amazing husband and fathers in return.