Coming out...

June 9th, 2011,  I remember it like it was yesterday.  I'd been separated 3 months.  I've been a closeted, gay, married man my entire adult life.  I moved away from home at 18, and one month later, my HS girlfriend moved in with me , we were married 20 months later, started our family 11 months after that.  It was a good marriage overall, but inside there was always that ONE thing that I desired,  that I NEEDED.  The sneaking, the lies,  I hated it.  I would abstain for months to years from those desires.  But I always found myself right back there. 

Fast forward to my separation,  I am free,  I can see who I want, when I wanted, but I did not want her to find out, or my kids, or anyone for that matter.  One small little mistake, and I remember the text message.  "We need to talk when you get home".  (We still lived in the same house, just in separate bedrooms).  I knew what the conversation was going to be,  she found out,  didn't know how,  but she knew and I was scared out of my mind.  

She flat out asked and I told her the truth.  She accused me of not loving her and that our marriage was a sham,  how dare I keep her from finding true love,  how dare I waste 20 years of her life, how could I be so selfish.  Words that will forever hurt,  I can still feel the pain as I type this.  As hard as I tried to tell her that I DID love her (still do to this day),  the marriage was not a sham.  Did I waste 20 years of her life? No!  I loved her with every fiber of my being.  Every decision I made in my life with her was based on her.  Yes even THOSE moments.  I knew what the potential consequences were, I knew what I was doing,  and for THAT yes, I was selfish,  I had this need that she could not fulfill, and it took a long time for her to believe me that I loved her, that the marriage was not a sham or a cover up.  

She is now one of my best friends,  yes we have our moments,  she drives me crazy, as I am sure I drive her just as crazy.  

Coming out to my sons was scary, I sat all four of them down, and simply said "Your dad is gay."  I am proud to say, I have the most amazing sons.   When I asked them how they felt about that, I got the best answer any dad can ask for.  "Does this change who you are as our dad?"
"No, of course not, only difference is that you will NEVER have a step-mother"
We all had a good laugh and carried on with the rest of our evening.  

My mother's reaction is a mixed bag of emotions.  
Me: Mom, so I just want to tell you,  your only son is gay
Mom: Is that all,  I knew a long time ago,  I'm your mother
Me: oh, and you didn't tell me?
Mom: I figured you should find out for yourself.  I'm not happy about it,  but you're my son and I love you.  Just don't tell anyone else in the family. 

Hmmm,  OK,  so I can live my life as I please, but I have to hide it from my family.  NOPE, not gonna happen,  I compromised with her on this one.  I am not going to hide my life,  but I will not arrive at the family reunion with a rainbow flag screaming "I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it" BUT if anyone asks,  I am NOT going to lie.  I did come out to one cousin (on my dad's side) and he took it really well,  but then again,  his older brother is gay.  

No, my coming out was not dramatic event,  but it was a long one and still scary none the less.  

Now life moves forward,  I have an amazing man in my life, my kids think he is great, my ex-wife likes him, my friends that have met him like him. My kids are my greatest allies, and my life is, so far, amazing.